Self Doubt and How to Manage It

This month, we wanted to focus on self-compassion, it reminds me that most of us are better at seeing the good in others than we are in ourselves. The way we talk about ourselves can even at times be derogatory, rude, negative and not remotely how we could ever imagine talking about another person. For many I see self-doubt starts to creep in.

In coaching sessions, a key part of the discussion is often about how we feel about ourselves and I am in the position of observing this, it varies. In this blog we will explore strategies to navigate the self-doubt that is a natural feeling, as well as the attributes of confident people, so that when we experience doubt, we have ways to manage it.

Self-doubt

Self-doubt is about lacking faith or confidence in ourselves. Of course there is great value in accepting ourselves for who we are, and yet many of us continually give ourselves a hard time, for example we think we should be further on in our careers, we should know more, we should cope better, we should be able to balance life well all of the time – notice all the shoulds?

Examine your thoughts – get curious

Often naming what we are feeling can be hugely powerful and helps to process what we are feeling as we are encouraged to give it a name or a label. It also helps us see the size of it as we can often catastrophise or generalise. Here are some examples:

From To

“I am angry all of the time” “I am angry when I am not listened to in meetings regularly”

“I have no self-confidence” “I am less confident in larger groups but 1:1 I can express my views”

“I don’t ever feel good about me” “When I am with a particular person, I feel less confident about myself”

Even with these examples, you can see that sizing and naming what you are really feeling helps to quantify it. Often saying these things in your head starts with the “from” statement, by sharing it with someone else, for example in coaching sessions, we get more to the truth with the “to” statement.

Why do I feel that way?

Once we name the self-doubt, we can start to understand what is causing it. Here are some good questions to get you started:

What are the parts of the situation that might be causing the feeling?
What are the people or conversations that might be contributing to the feeling?
What are your thoughts in those situations and how true are they?
Do you have any unconscious bias about the way you are viewing the people or yourself in these situations?
In the past what other people or situations might be provoking this reaction in you?
What does that tell you about how you consider the current situation you are in?
When you consider your upbringing was self confidence seen as a positive attribute or were you in an environment where you were encouraged to play down your achievements?

Essentially getting really curious about you now and previously can really help build a picture of the roots of your self-doubt. Getting to the root is valuable as otherwise we can put a metaphorical “sticking plaster” on to the self-doubt rather than truly understanding it.

Search for opposing evidence

In this step we consider what might be an alternative way of looking at yourself and what ways this feeling about yourself is untrue. Questions to consider are:

What examples do I have where I do cope and manage well?
What are my key strengths that I draw upon?
What do others say?
What feedback do they have about me?
Do they see something different in me to what I see?
What does that tell me about my own opinion about myself?

Tools and techniques

Sometimes I see tools as a sticking plaster if we haven’t addressed the root cause, which is why it is so useful to follow the steps above before we reach for a tool or technique. However, now we are clear on understanding the self-doubt we can then work out what to use in the moment to challenge the way we feel. Examples might include:

Awareness: Even being aware in the moment that you are feeling unsteady about yourself is the first step to doing something about it. Creating a pause in the moment it happens and simply sharing with yourself that it is happening can be useful.

Supporters: Having allies and supporters that can help you in those moments is also important. For example, if you identify that it is certain meetings you feel you have less of a voice, then how about building a relationship on a 1:1 level with a couple of key people who are present in the meeting, that way you can feel safer to express yourself.

Focusing on the good: This is about owning your strengths and using them more. For example, perhaps you don’t talk the most in a meeting but when you say something everyone listens. Instead of focusing on saying more, you could consider the strength you have when you do talk and focus on that.

Step out of the comfort zone: Research tells us that the very thing that brings us self-doubt is often the thing we need to do more of. So identifying some of the work tasks that are out of your comfort zone and leaping in to them (safely) can bring about greater confidence than staying in your comfort zone.

Reflection: Instead of “fixing” self-doubt, I encourage you to recognise that it happens to us all, and working on it regularly can be more successful than seeing it as a one off thing to fix. Creating reflection moments regularly either on your own or with a coach, mentor or buddy can provide you with the space to speak out what you are thinking. In Miranda Hart’s book “I haven’t been entirely honest with you”, she talks about the power of listening:

“What we need is to be listened to non-judgmentally. The fear of our situation can lessen when we see that experience being held in gentleness and kindness by another”

I wonder who you could reach out to who could be that very person for you?

Summary points

I notice that there are some key attributes of secure, confident people so I have listed these below:

They can acknowledge their strengths and articulate what they bring to a team.
They approach their flaws with curiosity rather than judgment and are willing to explore them with that lens.
They seek data from others about how they are seen and they take multiple perspectives on this.
They actively seek out ways to grow and develop beyond their comfort zone so that they can grow as people.
They are compassionate to themselves on the days that they don’t feel as good about themselves.
They approach mistakes as a chance to self-evaluate and take learnings rather than ruminating over it or chastising themselves.
They know who they are, but they realise they are evolving and they therefore spend time self-reflecting regularly rather than as a one off activity.

As you start to reflect on your own self-doubts confidence levels, I’d love to hear what works for you? If you are keen to develop regular reflection moments then do get in touch to see how executive coaching might help.