How we communicate is such an important part of our connection with others, it shapes what they think of us, whether they trust us, and how we work together. By exploring our own natural communication style, we can more easily spot when our style might need changing. In this blog we will look at communication approaches and how you can adapt them when it isn’t quite working. 

Communication in the workplace

We can start by thinking about some typical tensions that might arise, examples might include:

• The person in a meeting who is consistently vocal and verges on being forceful or aggressive in their viewpoints. Others may be scared to offer an alternative perspective because of this approach. 
• The person in a meeting who is consistently undermined by others, perhaps they complain and give the impression that they are hard done by. 
• The person in a meeting who wants to please others is not comfortable when conflict is aired and tries to appease others. 

Each of these personas is part of a model called the “Drama Triangle” by S.B.Karpman. This model describes the different roles we might adopt in particular in the face of conflict. I find this a particularly valuable way to think about our style both personally and professionally. It is important to note that we all adopt these three different roles at different times, however, one of these may be your go-to approach. Most of us aren’t even aware that we are communicating in a particular way, however, we may notice that other’s responses to us are not positive and at its worst, we might not feel our ideas are heard or we may feel others don’t say how they feel. By being aware of the role you can more easily notice it and adapt when needed. 

The Drama Triangle roles

The model says that we may adopt three different roles:

Persecutor: I see the persecutor as the person who “attacks”, they may get cross, and they almost certainly come across as blaming others. 

Victim: The victim is the person who feels “done to” and adopts a “poor me” approach. They may share that they feel they can’t control things, they don’t feel they have a voice and their sense of resourcefulness is lacking. 

Rescuer: The rescuer is the person who wants everyone to get along, they are less comfortable with conflict being aired and may look to appease people, possibly adopting the people-pleaser role. 

The ideal state is to come from a place of “adult”, where we are not playing any of these roles, but simply coming from a place of adult response. Examples of an adult response in the face of conflict may include:

• Calmly sharing your opinion and feelings. 
• Owning how you feel, as opposed to blaming someone else.
• Being curious about the other person’s perspective and asking questions to clarify rather than assuming it is your fault i.e. being a victim, or blaming others (persecutor). 
• Recognising that when others are getting more heated in their response, there is a choice to end the conversation and come back to the discussion when people have calmed down. 
• Provide feedback to others on their approach. 
• Elicit feedback from others about their approach. 

Hints and tips about communication

Your natural personality.  Simply becoming aware of your personality and which of the above styles might be the one you use; can help you spot it and move into the adult space again. 

Triggers, I encourage you to start to notice your triggers, i.e. what situations or people bring out a certain role in you? 

• Are there certain situations where you always adopt one of the above roles?
• What do you notice about the roles people around you adopt? For example, if someone consistently plays the role of the victim, do you then become the persecutor? By staying in the adult space, you don’t even enter the drama triangle, and the other person can meet you in the adult response. 

Share the model with your team. I have seen this model used effectively by leaders, where they have used it to communicate with their team members. By sharing the model with the team and asking each person where they typically operate, sharing where you as the leader operate and encouraging reciprocal feedback to one another, can accelerate the connection in the team and clarity in communication. 

Neutrality. It is easy to judge yourself and others, for example, if someone is different to you, perhaps you can label them “the awkward one” or the person who always “plays the victim”. In my opinion, the Drama Triangle works best if we are non-judgmental, recognising that we will all play these roles at different times. The key is to have the self-awareness to notice our response and work to change it, not judge it. 

Next steps

Here are some questions to reflect on: 

• What recurring situations do you feel you could have handled better from a communication perspective?
• What roles might have been at play?
• What does this tell you about handling things differently next time?
• What is your natural style?
• How does this help or hinder you with those around you? 
• How might you need to adapt your approach to different people in the team? 
• Who could you ask for feedback about your approach?

In summary

As you start to reflect on your communication style, I encourage you to take some regular moments to pause, in the pause we can often get clarity about how we can be even more effective in communicating with others. 

If you would like support with building your communication style get in touch to see how 1:1 leadership coaching sessions can support you.