From a very young age, having someone to share my thoughts with has been incredibly important. I can remember being a very chatty young girl and had so many thoughts to share. As I grew up, listening became a skill I also developed and in my coaching role it is a joy to listen to others share their thoughts and ideas to gain their own clarity.
Working with leaders and their teams, I notice that people are drawn to leaders who have an ability to listen at a deeper level without the need to fix. In my role as a coach, I notice that when leaders hone this skill, it improves not only their relationships with their team members, it can also encourage engagement, new ideas, build trust and encourage constructive conflict. In this blog we will explore some key strategies to enhance your listening skills.
First let’s remind ourselves that what we interpret and what is said or meant can be entirely different things. We view the world and others from our own window, our own perspective, the more we can be aware of the filter and assumptions we may be making, the more we can listen more cleanly.
Here is an example to illustrate at work:
Your line manager shares some feedback, he says you could provide the vital information needed more regularly to him. He shares that this will enable him to make quick decisions and he sees this as an area of development for you. At the beginning of the conversation he highlights numerous strengths you display, how he sees you as a key successor and strong contributor of the management team.
Your interpretation: “I am not viewed well by my line manager, I am poor at prioritisation and I need to work on my image in the management team.”
In this simple example we can see the difference between what was said and what was interpreted.
Here is an example at home:
Your daughter shares on WhatsApp some feedback to you, she says that she’d like it if you would stop stressing when she goes out as she’s safe, she’s fine and that she wants you trust her more. She said she doesn’t know if that unfair to say that or if you have anything to say to that.
Your interpretation: “I am hurt, I clearly don’t have the relationship I thought I had with my daughter. I feel misunderstood as I am only trying to protect her. I need to rethink my approach completely as I am doing it all wrong. “
Again, we can see clearly in this example there is a difference between what was wanting to be communicated and the interpretation of it. In both examples we have the possibility to both strengthen the relationship with the other person through listening effectively, as well as increasing our own self awareness by the message that is being given. And yet our own “stories” of what we have interpreted can get in the way.
If you reflect on your key relationships at home and work, what do you notice about the quality of the conversation? How are your listening skills currently and what gets in the way of you being fully attentive?
Tips to enhance your listening skills
Here are my top tips to help get you started.
- Become more aware of the stories you tell yourself. Perhaps you revert to telling yourself you are not good in speaking up, or that you procrastinate… whatever your story is it is likely to show up in dialogue with others, as you will become more aware of the assumptions you are making. In both situations above we can see the story the person starts to tell themselves and how this gets in the way of listening to the person.
- Become aware of what triggers you in to wanting to give advice. Most of us don’t want advice, we want you to listen deeply and give space. Michael Bungay Stanier describes our advice monsters. We all have them and the first step is to start to notice what takes you to a place of advice giving. It might be particular topics that do this because you feel you have experience, it might come from a place of wanting to help the other person or not wanting to see them struggling. When in fact sitting with them whilst they work it out is the very thing they are looking for.
- Get more comfortable listening to people when it’s messy. In all my years coaching I can’t think of many conversations that didn’t have some messiness in them. Our thinking is often blurted out and then sorted through as we make sense of it, so a good listener knows to pause, be silent and to validate the other person rather than stepping in.
- Avoid providing your own story. Many conversations turn round to the other person because they come up with their own example of what they have tried and what happened to them. This disconnects us from the other person as the person doesn’t feel heard, they just then listen to your story. Instead take a breath, notice you have a story to tell and stay quiet to allow the person to share.
- Ask questions, this demonstrates interest and can propel the other person into an insight.
My personal reflections on listening
I am lucky to have many strong role models, colleagues, managers and friends who listen well. I personally share more when I am not judged, when I am asked questions, when someone shows genuine curiosity about me as a person and when they remember things I have shared when I meet them again. I notice people’s body language and can spot the visual clues if they are genuinely interested in the conversation. How about you? Who shows strong presence and listening skills in your life?
Final thoughts – listening to others and yourself
As you can see from this blog, listening is not just outwardly to others, it is also about the power of self-reflection. By listening to yourself better, your quality of presence increases. By pausing regularly, perhaps through coaching sessions, you can tune into your own stories, barriers, triggers and insights in a way that means you can then help others do this too, particularly people in your team. A recent client shared that through our work together she had adopted deeper listening skills. She now runs her team meetings completely differently, by starting with input, engaging the team on how they are doing personally not just the work. She invites them to co-create the agenda and encourages group listening to ideas. She said this has changed her team meetings from the monotonous feel to a time in the week that they all look forward to. In Nancy Klines words “the quality of our attention determines the quality of other people’s thinking”, this is why it is a crucial skill to be developed.
Top tips
- Get comfortable with silence.
- Validate and acknowledge others rather than giving advice.
- Get curious and avoid assumptions.
- Ask questions.
- Show genuine interest in the person and their topic.
In summary
As you start to reflect on your own listening approach, I encourage you to consider what the opportunity is for you. For some leaders, they start at home by listening to close family members more effectively, for example by not constantly giving advice, but simply holding space for the other. Perhaps at work you can start with a particular person in your team and use the conversation as an opportunity to listen more.
I’d love to hear how you get on and how you find the different approaches. If you would like support with building your listening skills do get in touch to see how 1:1 leadership coaching sessions can support you.